Choices

  Today I am aware of the huge gap that I used to have in my life, that piece that was missing.  I thought about my life before the girls and now I can't imagine my life with out both of them.  When you find out that you are having twins you wonder about how you might be able to love them equally.  Or even have enough love for both of them.  However, it is there.  My life has now been changed from being selfish and full of pleasing myself to being completely dedicated to my two amazing little girls.  

Farren loving her tummy

Nellie just smiling

A mommy and her girls

  Now I don't want anyone to be fooled here, those first two months were the easily the most challenging of my life.  I had rose colored glasses on thinking that it would be a walk in the park.  Boy was I wrong.  The challenge isn't in the obvious things like feeding the babies or waking up numerous times in the middle of the night or the challenge of finding a routine.  Instead the difficulty came in all of the choices that I have had to make and find peace with.  The challenge of realizing that I am never going to meet all of the expectations that I had before the babies came.  I thought that I would breast feed exclusively and that was not as easy as I thought it would be.  I think that when someone is pregnant for the first time they need to be told that breast feeding is not easy, that it is challenging, that it is good only when it works.  I was speaking with a friend about releasing this guilt about not breast feeding and I have felt and still do feel guilty about not being able to provide them with the "best start" and she brought up a really great point about feeling guilty about enjoying NOT breast feeding.  I never really thought about that though and it makes a lot of sense to me.  I love the philosophy of attachment parenting, however I don't think that you have to only breast feed to bond with your child nor do you have to always have your child literally attached to you.  You do what is best for you and your child/children.  I love the fact that my girls love their little vibrating chairs because it gives me a break.  Before I used to cringe at the thought of even putting them in one and looking back I was just being too hard on myself, thinking that I wouldn't bond with them if they weren't being held the whole time.  Bonding I believe is a choice and there is no reason to think that you are a "bad" mommy because you can't breast feed or choose not to hold your baby all day, you do what works best for you.  

Farren & Nellie

  I am so glad to "get out" of that little tiny infant stage.  Now I get smiles that are like a "thank you for taking such good care of us" from the girls.  The really are sweet little babies ( and I am not just saying that because they are my babies), but they are extremely laid back.  Farren is more independent and just looks all around with her big eyes.  Nellie is a bit more "needy" and I am really stretching to use that word to describe her.  The girls are so aware now and just love looking around and having some music in the background.  
  Even though the last couple of months seemed to have flown by and I don't remember a lot of the first month or two I am just so excited for the next three months.  They are constantly changing and interacting with Dallas and I.  Its just so rewarding.  
  I hope that you are all embracing the constant changes that life brings.  


xoxo



Jesse